Parenthood – The Big V

The Pregame

It’s the main thing most men dread above all else. The conversation about the big V, the snip, the 2 house bricks to the crown jewels, the vasectomy.

Nothing will prepare you for this … from 2nd and 3rd hand horror stories to just your mind wandering away. Your wife will tell you all about the pain of child birth and that you owe her this.

You will genuinely contemplate just not having sex again until she goes through the menopause, its only 10 years, away right?

She could stay on the pill its only been 25 years it can’t mess up her hormones that much, oh yeah apart from that one time you were late home from the pub and had to hide the kitchen knives.

Fine, I’ll do it stop nagging me woman!


The Main Show

The first and main thing I can tell you is leave your shame at the door, within a few minutes you are going to have 1 or 2 fellas throwing your Johnson about and cupping your nuts while a 3rd tries to make small talk at the head end like you’re in an interview and a few women wandering about the place for good measure. I sure everyone had a very important tasks at hand, but it does suddenly seem like a lot of people …. I’m sure there was less at all my kids’ births put together!

The pain ranges from what the doctor calls “uncomfortable tugging” and what I call “why is he trying to pull my arsehole out through my belly button?” Right through to “good god man are you trying to save money on anaesthetic!”

The spray …. for some reason they spray what they claim is an antiseptic spray on you afterwards but i swear it was Ralgex!!!

All in all though, it’s not a long operation when you look at it afterwards but at the time it goes on forever. I was in and out back at home in the tighty whitey’s and a bag of peas by lunch time.

The Endgame

You’ll hear macho stories about how some men were back on the building site 10 minutes later carrying 300 bricks on 1 shoulder up 20 flights of stairs.





Well done, have a gold medal.


Balls to that and I mean balls to that, do what the doctors says, take at least 1-2 days sat on your arse doing nothing but swapping frozen peas and watching TV. Don’t even be tempted to lift the kids up, they will kick you in the junk and trust me that hurts like no pain imaginable.


The All clear

Your told to “release” yourself 20 times over the next 16 weeks and part of you wants to joke come on love I could have that knocked out by Tuesday afternoon. Unfortunately, very quickly despite my tight pants & frozen pea regime I am very quickly carrying 2 black cricket balls where my nuts used to be and the thought of urinating when my balls weight 10kg each is bad enough never mind sorting myself out.

The Aftermath

Now you’re getting this horror story 1st hand this time and it gets graphic so if you don’t want to know just close your browser now.


Still here?

Well you were warned.

Everything has almost gone back to it’s natural size and no longer carrying round 2 lead weights, the scaring is pretty minimal to be honest, you can barely tell where it was done.

But ….

I used to be able to need to urinate before bed decide not too, go to sleep for 8 hours then wake up and go to the loo. Now I’ve approximately 30 seconds between thinking it and having to go! I’ve turned into one of those 1 beer in 1 pint out people on a night out now. Devastating!

I must also keep the toilet attendant is business with the £1 no spray no lay patter ever time i wash my hands.


A few months down the line and every “perk up” moment is still painful, so it’s kind of worked as I do my best not to see the wife naked in case he perks up and causes me pain rather than pleasure!





Was it worth it? … 50/50

Part of me thinks not considering we needed IVF for the previous additions, but then that peace of mind that there shouldn’t be another 2 appearing anytime soon that makes it worth it.


(Father of 3 & no bloody more! with no hair & little sanity left)